Driving across vast terrain of boring interstate highway can easily give rise to a semi-serious anxiety disorder called scenery-itis. It can make a person wistful and cranky after extended exposure, and at worst, it can turn other drivers into road toads–a chronic condition of a different sort, where motorists believe they can leap and fly.

Researchers have been studying this condition for as long as Sears & Roebucks have been offering driving licenses to the blind, yet they have very limited data to advance the science. Nonetheless, there are some fascinating behaviors they have chronicled to date.

For instance, three tell-tale signs commonly associated with scenery-itis that can trigger an onset are: disinterested animals grazing on roadside pastures; personal injury lawyers predominating the signscape with same-number telephone numbers (call me at 666-6666); and pecan pie outlets competing with beef jerky huts as the only available proteins.

Symptomatic drivers should pull off the road immediately after experiencing bouts of excessive yawning, blurry vision, and an inclination to count the bugs that kamikaze into their windshield.

There are two known variations of the disorder. One is called Buc-ee’s-osis, which is a knee-jerkey fixation with gas station mascots when your vehicle needs fuel.

buc ee's.jpgThe other condition is a more common affliction commonly known as drifting-into-ditch-itis.

Unfortunately, the only known cure is driving through Utah, which does little good for a driver in Texas.

Donations are now being accepted at this blog to get me to Utah as soon as possible.

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